frank flushum, space plumber

The Alberton Papers, Vol. VI, #XI
By Dick Darne 6-17-08
After browsing through the news reports for the last few weeks, I have decided to write another story telling the truth behind the headlines. The story they don’t want you to know but must be told. Of course there will always be a mother out there who will forbid her children from reading these stories, claiming that I am filling their little heads with nonsense. Or someone somewhere who will have his breakfast ruined, but this is a small price to pay. And yes, I’ll protect my sources, so if anyone needs help in getting the truth out, you can come to me.
Remember a couple weeks ago, when there was a plumbing problem on the space station and a courageous space plumber saved the day? Well it was not the first time. We will now tell of the first plumber in space, Frank Flushum.
Back in the early days of space travel, we were going to send a ship out to explore the solar system. This was in the days when Pluto was still a planet, and they figured that the ten years in space was too dangerous for humans, so they trained a monkey to fly the ship. At the last minute, just before blast-off, the business manager for the local having jurisdiction got a court order, citing the need for a man aboard a manned craft and since plumbers have been protecting the health of our nation for many years, a plumber must be on board.
"Scrub the launch and find us a plumber!" said Mission Control.
A notice was posted, but only our hero, Frank Flushum stepped forward.
"Here’s your space bibs and krapoline alloy pipe wrenches, all you have to do is ride along and fix anything that breaks. The monkey has been trained to fly the ship. Bon voyage!" they instructed as the countdown resumed.
"5,4,3,2,1, we have a liftoff!" cried Houston, as the mighty ship with brave Frank rose above the earth, into orbit and then onward to the outer reaches of our solar system, boldly going where no plumber had ever gone before.
After a few weeks in space, poor Frank was lamenting the fact that not only nothing had broken, but the monkey appeared quite confident in his abilities to command the ship, even fixing all the meals. Frank thought more and more about less and less, which is not always a good thing.
"Jeez, when we get back, old Bozo here will get a tickertape parade down Madison Avenue and I’ll just be the dumb old plumber. I can fly the ship. The monkey’s got a manual, tells him just what to do, I can read." thought Frank. "I think I’ll just kill him and shoot him out the tube. I’ve got almost ten years to think up a good story."
So he does. He adjusts the command chair, opens the book, checks all the controls and away he goes.
"Nothing to it, piece of cake." Frank mused aloud. Then he read the last page.
"DON’T FORGET TO FEED THE PLUMBER THREE TIMES A DAY!" In big bold print.
With apologies to all my brothers, dd